When We Feel Stuck: and a Few Ideas for Getting Unstuck
Image via Scott Webb on Unsplash
Sometimes we just feel stuck, and we don’t know what to do about it.
In these moments, our work is to chug along, explore our feelings, and figure out where they’re coming from.
Other times, infuriatingly, we know exactly what we need to do, but we just can’t seem to do it.
Maybe we need to:
Take care of that nagging errand or admin. task
Have that tough conversation
End that toxic relationship
Get in the gym
Stop eating chips every night
Spend less time on our phone
Drink or smoke less
It drives me absolutely bonkers when I see someone in this state; clearly frustrated with and inhibited by their situation, but unwilling to make a change.
I’m also guilty of this, though, as is everyone. I have to remind myself that these are totally normal human struggles, that even the world’s greatest thinkers, leaders and artists were not immune to.
I’ll give myself some credit. I have cultivated a lot more discipline over the past decade and don’t tend to waffle on too many important things in my life. In most areas of my life, I’m usually able to act promptly, and with conviction, once I’ve identified what I think needs to happen. But, I’ve been struggling for about a year and a half now to apply that discipline and develop a truly consistent writing practice.
This struggle has become increasingly strenuous, as I’m realizing more and more acutely that writing is what I need to be doing.
How do I know that?
Because it feels scary. The kind of scary that make my stomach turn, but also tells me I’m moving in the right direction. Moving toward growth.
Because when I go back and read my old posts, it feels like I’m reading the writing of the best, most real, and most honest version of myself, and I feel inspired by that version of me. I want to be that version of me - the guy who wrote that stuff - all the time, not just a few times a year
I know I need to write because I feel like I’m communing with god (oneness/universe/my highest self) when I do it. It just feels right, even if it does feel hard and scary.
I know I need to write because when I read or listen to my favorite writers talking about writing, I’m like “yeah, yeah, yeah that’s EXACTLY what I feel!” when they talk about their drive to write, the fear that comes with it, the elation in moments of clarity, and the gross feelings that come up when they make excuses to not sit down and do the work.
I know I need to write, but still I’ve been wavering.
Why do we do this?
Why do we make things harder than they have to be? Why don’t we do what we know, deep down, we need to do to feel healthy, happy, and fulfilled?
I can think of a few things that have been stopping me:
Comfort:
When I set out to make radical change in my life and to get into video production in 2015, I was deeply unhappy on many levels. That sucked, but it also made my decision of where to put my energy much simpler. I could either stay in bed and steep in my own depression, or get out there and do something to change my situation.
Now, 8 years later and after some small career/personal successes, I’ve afforded myself a lot more comfort in life. It’s definitely nice to not be as stressed about money. It’s nice to own my schedule and to have a lot more flexibility, autonomy, and career momentum.
But also, these comforts have made it more challenging to consistently work hard and stay disciplined. I know that I can, and at times I have, coasted on these comforts. Just like the comfort our warm bed offers us on a dark and chilly morning, it can be very tough to resist.
Addictions:
My addiction to my phone and its constant offering of cheap dopamine on-tap has become a real issue. I’m reading Johann Hari’s, ‘Stolen Focus’ right now, in hopes of better understanding my relationship with my phone/the internet. We’ll see how that goes.
I recently wrote more about this and my relationship with alcohol here, if you’re interested.
Fear
I feel afraid (sometime terrified) to get serious about writing. But, like I said, that’s also how I know it’s what I am being called to do.
It’s scary because it matters to me, because I know I care, and because it means facing the whole truth of my own mind and feelings.
The question now is how to gather the courage to overcome that fear and take the action I know I need to.
Energy:
I am not the type of person who can get good work done without a full tank of energy. This is only becoming more true as I get older.
If I let my sleep, diet, or exercise slip, I find it nearly impossible to be creative/productive.
I recently wrote about my relationship with alcohol, and I find that even in very small quantities (2-3 drinks per week) alcohol seems to zap my energy, clarity, and creativity.
I’ve also learned that momentum is hugely important for my energy. It’s so much harder to get started again from zero. If I take a month off writing, or if I live a month straight with unhealthy habits, it’s really hard to get the ball rolling again.
Conversely, if I am writing, running, meditating, eating healthy, getting to bed early, for a month or two straight, these things all start to feel easy and even automatic. They end up requiring a lot less energy and willpower, leading to more momentum and more confidence, and to better, more creative, productive, and mindful energy.
Environment:
When it comes to maintaining energy, my environment has shown to be an important factor in building healthy habits, and routines.
If I want to exercise more, it’s helpful to stay connected to and spend time with friends who are doing the same. When I’m feeling lethargic, sometimes I just need the nudge of a friend inviting me for a run or yoga class. I wish I was always disciplined enough to be intrinsically motivated, but that doesn’t appear to be who I am
If there is junk food in the house, it will get eaten. I try to keep it out of the house, and I get a few bags of smart sweets and other healthy (or healthy-ish) snacks with my groceries so I can satiate my cravings a few nights a week and not break and go to the corner store.
If my phone is in my bedroom, I’ll scroll and fuck my sleep up (I actually never do this - this should be illegal), so I leave my phone outside of my room.
Honestly, I’ve been doing pretty well on the environment front, but I could probably benefit from more time spent connecting with and learning from others who are writing regularly.
Another important factor that I might consider part of my ‘environment’, is my information diet:
What I’m reading
Shows & movies I’m watching
Podcasts I’m listening to
YouTube / social media content I’m consuming
Time spent consuming/doing nothing and allowing myself space to think or meditate or just be
I’ve found it helpful to read memoirs (or interviews) by writers who’ve been through and overcome the struggles and challenges I’m currently facing.
These ones were really great:
- What I Talk About When I Talk About Running - Haruki Murakami
- On Writing - Stephen King
- Bird by Bird - Anne Lamott
I’m learning and trying to accept the fact that no matter how much inspiration might be found in connecting with other writers and creators, ultimately, the act of writing requires a great deal of solitude, doing the hard, unsexy, thankless work of getting words and thoughts out and onto the page.
But still, maybe a writing club, class, or coach could help by adding some structure and accountability. I’m thinking about this, but really want to try to find the drive from within.
In the past, it was my desire to escape deep emotional pain and suffering, and deeply ingrained self loathing that drove me to finally commit to a creative practice (creating a video every day for a year). But I don’t want to be someone who only acts once the pain is absolutely unbearable. Even when I’m feeling happy and comfy, I want to be someone who creates from a place of love and giving, in service to that 21 year old version of me who desperately needed guidance, and to feel understood and supported.
This is the transition I’m currently working through. I’m learning to pull inspiration from a genuine desire to create, serve, share and explore. Out of love and a search for truth, rather than simply as an act of desperation to escape the profound feelings of not-enough-ness that drove me in my earlier days.
This is hard.
Speaking of hard. 2023 was harder on me than think I’ve been willing to admit, to others or to myself.
There were lots of wins and highs, and lots of joy, but there was also plenty of self doubt, loneliness, confusion, and anxiety, as well as some uncovering of pains & traumas that I’d forgotten (or never knew) were there.
As I get older, I’m becoming stronger and more capable of managing my emotions, but at the same time, it feels like I’m becoming more sensitive. I feel my feelings much more intensely. I think this is because I’m learning to identify and name my true feelings (fear, sadness, loneliness, anxiety, anger etc.) and to feel them fully and honestly, whereas in the past my defence would have been to just convert all of these feelings into anger or frustration (toward others or toward myself) and to look for someone or something to blame them on.
If you read this far looking for a solution to your own stuck-ness, I’m not sure that I have it. I think that overcoming these types of personal obstacles is a deeply personal endeavour, and different people need different sources of support or inspiration at different times, from different people, and in different ways.
With that said, here are a few things that have worked for me (and for people I trust and respect):
- Joining a peer support group
- Hiring a personal coach
- Finding mentors
- Finding heroes to emulate online and in books
- Seeking out new friends & connections pursuing the same things I am
- Leaning on friends and asking for accountability
- Setting public goals to put the pressure on.
- Setting private goals, focused on inputs rather than outputs. Ie. “write for x hours per day” rather than “finish 3 blog posts per month”
- Journalling
- Yoga & meditation
- Running & cycling
- Going sober for a month or year at a time
- Writing (ha)
This post is going live January 1st, of 2024. If you’re reading this recently after it was posted, I’m wishing you a killer year full of love, joy, health, and happiness. If you’re reading this at another time, I’m wishing you a killer year full of love, joy, health, and happiness.
I’ll be doing dry January before I head to Oaxaca, Mexico for some debauchery with my pals in February. If you’re feeling stuck at all, I’d encourage you to join me.
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Feel free to send me an email at dave@threesixfive.ca if you have any questions or ideas!
Thanks!