The Toughest Months of My Life & My First Puppy

This is my new sweet baby buddy, Zuko ❤️

He’s a Wheaten Terrier (10 weeks in this photo) and he is named after Fire Prince Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender, who undergoes a beautiful transformation, emerging from a painful childhood as a tormented teenage war monger, out to prove himself worthy and to restore his honour in his father’s eyes through violence and domination, eventually realizing the hollowness of this obsession and, through many trials and pains, becomes a kind and caring friend, who learns to love and accept himself, dedicates his life to service of others, and becomes a wise, loving, bearded old man (wheaten terrier’s grow big beards when they’re adults 🥹) and a true leader.

The last several months were some of the absolute hardest I’ve ever had.

After 10 years of burning the candle at both ends, after a lifetime of trying to prove myself worthy of existing, my body and mind finally gave out. The result was a series of intense, terrifying, out of body panics attacks, followed by several months of skin/health issues, resulting in almost 0 sleep for 6 weeks straight, while also trying to survive what was a very tumultuous time in our business.

For a few days, I could barely move, couldn’t speak. For months I had no diagnosis, no idea what was happening, and doctors were testing me for things you do not want to have. I am okay now, but I’ve never felt so scared in my life.

I know it sounds dramatic, but this experience absolutely broke me. I was forced to stop everything, to be with myself, and to listen to my body that had been screaming at me for a long time to slow down and be kind to it.

At rock bottom, it felt like the universe grabbed me by the scruff of my neck, held my face in front of the mirror and said “you will look at yourself.”

As someone who takes great pains to examine, challenge, and learn about myself (books, therapy, peer groups, spiritual practice, journaling etc. etc.), I really wanted to believe that I’d moved past some of my deepest hurts, but this experience forced me to acknowledge that, actually, I’d just come up with all sorts of clever ways of fooling myself. I substituted accomplishment and external validation for self esteem, which I had very little of. I was masking insecurities, fears, and anxieties by constantly staying in motion, lying to and being unkind to myself, letting my sneaky shadow steer the ship, and leaning on substances and other crutches to avoid facing and feeling my real feelings.

At my lowest point, I realized that the only way I was going to feel better, was if I made sure taking care of myself was my number one priority. Rest, sleep, diet etc. (no alcohol, drugs, snacks etc to numb myself). My new and amazing friend Mark Brand got me off caffeine, gluten, sugar, dairy, all the shit. I would have done ANYTHING to not feel like that anymore, so I bought in and slowly my body started to heal. Thank you, Brother.

I also want to thank my dear friend Jeremie Saunders, who has always been there for me when I’ve needed him most, and who took me on a hike that a bunch of my best friends just happened to show up for without me knowing. None of them said or made me feel that this was a deliberate show of support, but I knew and I felt it and I love you all so much.

There are many more of you, you know who you are.

For years I heard friends, authors, teachers, and strangers speak of the importance of “self love”. I believed them, and it sounded like a nice idea, but I could not for the life of me understand what that meant.

Why don’t I feel that? Why can’t I figure out how? What is it? I’m trying so fucking hard!

This experience gave me no choice but to realize what actually matters, to give myself what I needed, to listen to my body and mind, and to respect and honour their needs. When I started to feel better, I understood, finally, that feelings of self love are only possible when we act lovingly toward ourselves.

I recognized that I’d built an identity around ego, and that my intense desire to control and manipulate my environments and outcomes, to please everyone, to impress everyone, was slowly killing me and only driving a bigger and deeper wedge between me and my authentic self.

On the other side of this intense turmoil, I’ve found a beautiful sense of peace, acceptance, spaciousness, self love (we did it!), and an even deeper appreciation for all of my incredible friends who were [and always are] there for me.

Without effort or force, I am letting go of the death grip I had on life, and it feels so good.

Someone asked me recently how I’m feeling, and I said “l feel light.”

I’d never said anything like this before, and it shocked me when it came out of my mouth, because it was true.

I’ve felt moments of release and relief so intense they’ve brought to tears of gratitude multiple times.

When I was at my lowest, my brother recommended that I watch Avatar, and every night I watched a few episodes. I so related to Zuko and his pain. There was an episode where his inner turmoil becomes so great that he becomes seriously ill, and his wise and loving uncle explains that this was his body’s way of dealing with all of the stress, poison, and torment inside of him.

I cried my eyes out, and was taken aback by the wisdom and deep philosophy present in a children’s show. I felt a lot less alone, seeing that this is a normal and important human experience.

I found out I was getting Zuko the Pup Prince on Friday Sept. 12th and got him Sept. 13th. I didn’t have a name yet, and when this one came to me, I knew it was to be.

Though I have truly grown and healed a great deal from these recent experiences, I know my journey of healing will still be long and hard, but I’m already feeling so excited about the possibilities for healing through the love I have for this little guy.

He was so brave the day we picked him up, not crying or whining, just ready for the adventure ahead (thank you Naethon for coming with me to get him).

He has been an absolute dream pup (98% of the time) and it has only been a week but we are bonding quickly.

If you see us out and about, please stop to say hi, especially if you’re in need of a hug or cuddle.

I’m sorry if he nibbles with his sharp little teeth, he’s just trying to learn and figure himself/this crazy scary world out.

Aren’t we all.