When you Feel Like Giving in, Give Yourself to Others Instead

Fabrizio Conti via Unsplash

“The main way you generate bodily tension is by turning your attention back on yourself in self-concern, curling into yourself so tightly you feel all knotted up. Therefore, the main cure is to give yourself to others. Whenever you notice that you are mulling over your own problems, knotting energy in your body as tension, take that energy and create a gift for others. It could be as simple as doing the dishes, or as complex as building a business that will benefit others. Convert into service the energy that is knotting up the front of your body. Your tension is only the energy of a gift that has become backed up, unexpressed, in your body.”

- David Deida - The Way of The Superior Man

A question I’ve been asking myself:

What if every time I felt tempted to give in to an urge, distraction, or addiction like scrolling, snacking, procrastinating, or worse, I were to give instead?

Give my time, energy, and creativity to important people and projects in my life.

On average, I’ve been racking up about 2-4 hours of [phone] screen time per day.

If I’m being realistic—with the nature of my work and my desire to genuinely stay connected*—there’s no way I’m getting that below 1-2 hours per day. But, I do know—with a bit more discipline and purpose—I could consistently find at least one extra hour in each day. One extra hour to give.

*When I say “stay connected”, I mean texting friends/colleagues, FaceTiming, watching a few friends’ IG stories, or reading articles and content that genuinely interest me. Binging reels & TikToks does not count as connection in my mind.

Being on my phone makes me feel like crap. Procrastinating makes me feel like crap. And it seems that every book I read—whether written by a spiritual teacher, poet, or venture capitalist— in hopes of becoming happier, suggests that the answer must be service and giving yourself to others.

“The fact is: whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world. You are withholding it because deep down you think you are small and that you have nothing to give.”

- Echkhart Tolle - A New Earth: Awakening to your Life’s Purpose

Here are a few ways I’ve been trying to give, when I feel like giving in:

• Writing a letter to someone I care about. It could be a long one or just a short message of appreciation. This can also be a great chance to sit, think, and articulate my thoughts around a tough or important conversation I’ve been putting off with a friend, colleague, or loved one.
  

• Writing blog posts on here that could help—or at least entertain—others.
  

• Meditating, walking, or doing nothing; all gifts to myself that allow me to be more present and thoughtful for others in turn.
  

• Cooking a meal or baking for a friend(s).
  

• Instead of giving in and wasting money on something I don’t actually need for a quick dopamine hit, spending that money on a gift for someone else. Not a perfect system, but a better alternative than empty, selfish, consumption and it feels really good. If you don’t have money, look around your home and find something to give away. The more you love it and don’t want to give it away—the more attached you are to the item—the better.
  
  My colleague Rachel and I were talking about this recently and she mentioned a story from “Scar Tissue”, where Anthony Kiedis told his then girlfriend that he thought a jacket in her closet was “really cool”, and she just told him to keep it. I had no idea that this was the inspiration for the song “Give It Away”, but it makes an already incredible song even better.
  Click here & scroll to “lyrics & meaning” to read a bit more about this.
  

• Making a playlist for a friend on Spotify—not apple music.
  (I’m talking to you, John. Grow up and get Spotify!)
  

• Helping people with their business. Sharing my skills and resources, sending meaningful feedback or ideas. Taking 15 minutes to write a thoughtful intro that could result in a life-changing connection.
  

“As a first step, spend at least an hour giving your fullest gift, whatever that is for today, so that when you go to sleep at night you know you couldn’t have lived your day with more courage, creativity, and giving.”

- David Deida - The Way of The Superior Man

I’ve been trying to simplify my personal goals, and one of my main objectives, these days, is to just feel proud of myself at the end of each day.

I try to ask: Did I spend my day well? Was I present? Did I give?

The less I give in to the addictions, distractions, and temptations of the day, the more proud I feel.

The more energy, time, and resources I give to others, to creating and building, the happier I feel.

You are going to have to give and give and give, or there’s no reason for you to be writing. You have to give from the deepest part of yourself, and you are going to have to go on giving, and the giving is going to have to be its own reward. There is no cosmic importance to your getting something published, but there is in learning to be a giver.

- Anne Lamott - Bird by Bird

Next time you feel like giving in, give and give and give.