How Joining a Peer Support Group Transformed My Life
Eight years ago (when I was about 22 years old) I was struggling deeply to find purpose, connection, and guidance in my life.
Emerging from a time when I was utterly lost and out of control, working 16 hours days and binge drinking 5-6 nights per week, I made a very clear decision that I needed radical change in my environment, behaviour, and mindset if I was going to survive - and, ideally, thrive.
I sought solitude, renting a tiny, gross bachelor apartment and intentionally downsizing to a single size bed so I wouldn’t be tempted to fill the gaping void in my chest with romance.
I found guidance - I found heroes - in authors, artists, and real-life mentors, who inspired me and made me believe I could create the life I wanted for myself if I worked for it.
Eventually I was presented with an opportunity that would alter the trajectory of my entire life when I was asked to join what I generally refer to as a “men’s peer support group”. A mentor of mine, Robert Zed - who had been a longtime member of YPO (Young Presidents’ Organization) - had the idea to bring together 8 young men, spanning ages 22-32 (me being the baby of the group) - with a range of different backgrounds, personalities and professions - to create a formal group who could support one another in our personal and professional growth.
I remember feeling excited and anxious leading up to our first meeting, but I had no idea what kind of impact this group would end up having on my life. Some of these guys have become my closest friends. They were there from day one when I decided to pursue videography as a young kid with an iPhone (copying Casey Neistat), and they’ve been some of my biggest supporters in getting threesixfive to where it is today, working with some of the largest organizations in the world. They’ve listened, advised, and comforted me through the ups and downs of multiple relationships. They’ve helped me get through some of my toughest challenges, and I’ve tried my best to do the same for them.
In this group, we’ve grown to love and trust one another, and I think a lot of people would be surprised by the level of intimacy and vulnerability shared amongst a group of young(ish) men. I am profoundly grateful for the ways this group has expanded my comfort zone, emotional intelligence, and my willingness (eagerness even) to be accountable and responsible for my own life.
We’ve been meeting as a group, once-a-quarter, for the past eight years. We used to always meet in person because we were all in Nova Scotia, but our lives have changed and we’re all over the country, so now we meet virtually - with folks who are in the same city clustering together around a MacBook for our zoom calls.
**If any of the guys from my group are reading this, we’re over-fucking-due for a in-person meeting!!!
I don’t want to go as far as to say that I’ve grown to take this group for granted, because I do express - explicitly and often - how grateful I am for these guys and for this forum, but I have caught myself thinking, delusionally, that this is just a normal thing most guys (or people) have in their lives.
I know that is not the case.
Folks have their family and friends, or they might belong to a team, club, or community group, but I don’t think most people have a space quite like this. A space where the sole focus is to consciously support each other’s personal, professional, social, and mental wellbeing, and to foster each other’s growth in such a deliberate and structured manner.
Here are a few of the key characteristics that I think can make a group like this so special and impactful:
Support & Encouragement
I can’t say enough about the value of having a dedicated group of people who are committed to building you up and believing in you (or at least pretending to at the start).
For those of us struggling with confidence and self-esteem, sometimes that little spark of energy we get from words of encouragement is all we need to get that fire burning inside of us to take real action and make real change.
I know I needed it, and I still means a lot to me.
Accountability
Humans are terribly susceptible to having our decision making and and thought processes overthrown by our feelings, our fears, and by the stories that we tell ourselves in order to try to rationalize choices that we know, deep down, are not in our own best interest.
Having a group around you who have grown to know you, who listen intently, who truly want to see you thrive and be happy, and who are willing to tell you the hard truths can be an extremely effective method of avoiding some really big missteps, or at least recognizing and rectifying them a lot sooner.
In my experience, when you feel accountable to others, you’re much more likely to make the decision or take the action that you know you need to, because it’s no longer just yourself you’re letting down. Eventually you want to learn to make these decisions for yourself - because you simply know they’re right - but you’ve gotta start somewhere.
I like to think of this as a healthy form of peer pressure.
I’ve learned, through this group (and through my own personal journey), to seek the answer you don’t want to hear - the path of most resistance - because this is often the answer you need to hear. Often, a little part of you already knows this answer to be true, but you hide from it because it’s easier to curl up and shy away than to act courageously and do the hard thing.
Diversity of Opinion
When seeking advice for some of the biggest issues and decisions in your life, you want to gather as much good information as you can before you choose your action. Obviously, not everyone in our group agrees on everything, so you end up getting different insights and opinions, which can admittedly be confusing, but is necessary when challenging your own biases, habits and patterns.
Our group is made up of guys ranging in age, working in Medicine, Law, Finance, Tech, Academia, Entrepreneurship, and more - each person bringing with them their own personal background, experience, and disposition.
Transparently, this is a group made up of entirely of white men, so this is an important consideration that I’ve been reflecting on as I try to expand my mind, values, and general outlook on life/the world.
Structure
It’s one thing to call your pal and have a life chat (which I still do all the time and is extremely helpful), but it’s quite a different experience to show up consistently, with the same people, and the same schedule/structure, to share the intimate details of your mental health, personal life, professional life, relationships etc. with the intent to give and receive feedback, workshop your toughest challenges, and define helpful next steps.
We’ve agreed upon and implemented strict (but flexible, when needed) rules regarding attendance, confidentiality, and format, that add to the overall sense of safety, confidence, and commitment of the group.
I don’t think that everyone needs a group exactly like this, but I do believe most people would benefit massively from belonging to something close to it.
Our group was a pilot run for what has now become a real organization called Leaders Forums that facilitates 10+ groups like this one, with over 115 members around Canada (Mostly Atlantic Canada and Toronto for now). The focus is on business leaders, executives, and entrepreneurs so it does cost money, but if this sort of thing sounds interesting to you, I’d highly recommend considering checking it out.
**I should mention here that Leaders Forums has a fund available to support applicants from marginalized communities or facing financial barriers)
If you’re not a “business leader”, if you can’t afford something like this, or if it doesn’t look like the right fit for you, you could just start your own group.
If you can find a group of three, four, eight (I wouldn’t go much bigger than eight) people who are down to meet up for a few hours every 2-4 months to share honestly and openly, to truly listen, and who are down to commit to doing this for an extended period of time (at least a few years) - you’ve got your group.
A few thoughts on this:
You can figure out your own group/meeting structure that works for you.
You can choose to make the group single-gender or co-ed, depending on your goals and needs.
Some folks may not be the right fit for the group and may choose to leave shortly after joining - that’s okay.
I would definitely advocate for in-person meetings (at least at the start) if you want to build the intimacy and trust necessary for real vulnerability.
I want more people to have the opportunity to do this, or at least to know that groups like this exist. I know, as a very confused young man in high school and university, I yearned for something like this, but I wouldn’t have been able to describe what it was that was missing and that I needed.
Groups like this improve (and save) lives, relationships, and businesses.
Groups like this foster confidence, trust, accountability, and capacity for love and vulnerability.
Groups like this shouldn’t be a secret reserved for elites or folks like me who stumble upon them by chance.
They should be a normal thing that everyone is aware of and has access to.
If you’re interested in starting your own group, or asking questions about my experience with mine, send me an email at dave@threesixfive.ca, and I’d be happy to share what I can.
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